The Hidden Blessing of Moments of Frustration with Young Children

My throat constricts.

My jaw clenches tight.

My mind fogs over with frustration and irritation.

I think to myself, or maybe say it aloud, “You, young child, have done it again. Again!”

And now I am fuming.

But at who?

At my child? — or me?

Now is the time for reflection.

These moments of frustration are moments for us to reflect on necessary areas of growth in our children— and in us.

This three year old, or five year old, or even seven year old child is. . . learning. His or her mastery is quite non-existent. He needs practice like he asks questions: repeatedly. The intentional or unintentional weaknesses of our children require scaffolding, a support system to grow upright. This system provides opportunities for our children to try, fail, and then try again; opportunities to develop habits and mindsets; opportunities to expand skillsets. But these things must all be taught. And then taught again.

As my dad says, we must “inspect what we expect.”

It is patient progress.

And so perhaps if there is pushback, pestering, and all around problematic behavior the common factor is me. Perhaps these are the smoke trails leading to a parenting flaw, leading to a form of parental neglect. What does it mean to parent? And whatever that answer is, have I neglected to do it?

(Now my mom likes to remind me that God was a perfect parent and Adam and Eve disobeyed. And this is true. But yet there are still practical things I can do and I must ask myself: am I doing them?)

• Have I loved my children well first— filled their proverbial “love cup” before engaging in actives that required large amounts from their very shallow emotional reserve?

• Have I allowed disobedience and discord to live (and maybe even thrive) in my household because I am “too busy” tending to “more important” matters and then just completely lose my head when somehow peace is not the culture of my home?

• Have I taught, reinforced, followed-up, congratulated, and corrected household duties? Young minds and hands cannot be expected to complete tasks as satisfactorily and with such stamina as an adult. Do I set up myself and my children for disappointment when I assign a task and then not remain nearby for instruction, assistance, and encouragement?

• Have I managed my children’s expectations? Safety and securing lies in knowing what is expected and when it is expected. Consistency in expectations and outcomes promotes consistency in behavior. Ambiuguous expectations and boundaries results in children who “test” those boundaries— sure mom felt that way yesterday but who can say whether she will feel that way today?

• Are rewards as commonplace as consequences? I know I fall into the trap that disobedience warrants consequences but obedience is, well, to be expected. But even I enjoy a cool cup of lemonade after an afternoon of weeding.

In short, these moments of my frustration trumpet the need for reflection.

A brief moment of reflection can fairly quickly identify the answer to two pertinent questions:

1. What is causing this frustration?

2. And what can I, as the parent and the authority in home, do about it?

And then, perhaps, at the close of the day when the house is quiet and you are alone in your chair with your thoughts and God you might reflect yet again— not on the scaffolding of your children’s development but on the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father, who gently and slowly leads us through the valley and beside still waters. He is full of mercy and grace, and though He stands beside us in the fire, those flames are for our refinement, not our destruction.